Laddaafni by Shahjahana

 

I was born in a Turk* home because I was a kismetwali, they said,

as if I had grabbed an unattainable good fortune

and from that moment, as my folks had decided,

I had become a real Muslim

How low should one bow to each relative

Who should not see you

Why one should stick one’s head inside the pallu..

Meaningless rasmo-rivaaj and a half-learnt language:

I became a rolled paan caught between two jaws

but my folks had decided that

I had become an asli Turk girl

Though realizing that I am being sacrificed, when like a dumb animal

I go to some Walima or Gulposhi

Amidst the rustle and flashes of their zari and Urdu

My voice shrinks and shrivels

into a lonely cotton sari

An unseen feeling of helplessness

clasps my mouth like a bridle

I am spun around the hall, even as I stand still,

by the whirlwinds of their stares

blowing through the branches of their eyelids,

Does she or doesn’t she– my knowledge of Urdu

is tested by a display of their own skill and aptitude

and as the results show in the smirks on their faces

my tears of embarassment, which can’t dare break boundaries,

wallow within my eyes, exactly like me.

No one recognizes me as human,

looking at me as a heap of cleaned cotton

they are always eager to blow me away with mere words

But my folks have decided

that I have become a pucca Turk girl.

Why should I become an answer in inverted commas–

About unknown riiti-rivaaj

About unpronounceable Durood Suras–

To the endless question marks on their faces?

 

When my shouhar doesn’t assume my Dudekula-ness**

Why should I bear the stamp of asli Muslim-ness?

When poverty swallowed my dreams and hunger my time,

my childhood, spent sobbing into floor rugs,

learnt only to stitch mattresses,

Why should I grieve

over the Urdu and Arabic I didn’t learn?

 

Ab sau baar sabke saamne chillaaoongii

haan..main Laddaafni hoon..!

Laddaafni hii rahoongii!!

 

Naren Bedide‘s translation of the Telugu poem ‘Laddaafni‘ by Shajahana (from the collection of poetry ‘Alaava: Muslim SamskRti Kavitvam‘).

Shahjahana is a young muslim poet who writes in Telugu, her first poetry book, Nakaba addresses gender discrimination, culture and communal disharmony.

* Turk: or Turaka ( pronounced turaka ); a term used by Non-Muslims mostly, often derogatorily, for Muslims.

** Dudekula/Laddaf: community associated traditionally with cotton carding.

Other Urdu/Hindustani words/phrases used in the poem: kismetwali: lucky woman/girl; pallu: loose end of the sari; rasmo-rivaaj and riiti-rivaaj:customs,  rituals and traditions; shouhar: husband.

Image courtesy: The Internet

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